In Between Magic.

[Oil, Tanner Ortery, In Absentia, 2020]

From a young age, I’ve always been considered “a weirdo”, “sensitive”, “over emotional” especially when it comes to perceived injustices’ and so on but that’s not where I’m going with this at the moment.

I grew up in a toxic household so my ability to ‘feel the vibe in a room’ was not only a result of being “supernaturally gifted” but also hypervigilance caused by living amongst toxic parental relationships.

When I was younger, though, I didn’t really know I was in a toxic family situation. I mean, things didn't feel ‘right’ but everyone else acted as if things were "normal", so it wasn’t until I was older that I realized, ‘this is unhealthy for everyone involved.”

That being said, when I was younger, I also had a great deal of fear instilled in me. Which I believe is one reason why I had been blocked for so long.

You see, when I was younger, I used to hear and see things in the dark. (Actually, I still do, but) The way my home was set up, my door didn’t close and gave a straight view into the small hallway that we had that also overlooked the stairs. Just a little further down and across the hall was my parents' bedroom and at night I could see the light from their tv -signaling they were still awake, and I could ‘safely’ fall asleep. The light wasn’t the problem, though. No, it was when the light was off. 
Frequently, I would wake up in the middle of the night (again, I still do) and luckily the bathroom was directly next to my room so I could hurry in and out.

But here’s the thing, some nights, I would hear my mother's voice. I would hear her calling my name, but I knew it wasn’t her. It was the middle of the night and there was no light in the hallway. So, I was terrified. I slept with a lamp on, in fact, I still need to sleep with the tv on. But, when those things would happen, I had such a hard time falling back to sleep, I would stay up almost all night, wrapped in a blanket with only my face peeking out, so I could breathe, in order to ‘keep myself safe’. I thought the lamp light kept anything from coming in but who knows. 

All I know is that my mother was not calling to me in the night and that the house was most likely (definitely) haunted. Only I was a little kid. Everyone just chalked it up to my imagination and the “normalcy” of a child being afraid of the dark.

As I got older, this routine continued. I went years unable to sleep properly (which I now connect to why my circadian rhythm is fucked, lol.)

The only place I felt I could sleep soundly was at my grandparents' house. It was just a different vibe, and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that something sinister was in the old house we were living in because every time I went to my grandparents, it was such a relief. 

This could also just be because I didn’t want to be around my parents fighting, but you can make your own conclusions. I think it’s a little bit of both.

Now, as I said, I began growing and when I was about thirteen, we moved. They were selling the house, so we moved in with my grandmother. [I should mention that my grandfather had died in 1997 and we moved in with her in about 2001-2002, which I’ll get back to in a few moments.]

So, when we were moving in with her, I was actually really excited. I knew it was a safer place, I figured bad things couldn’t or wouldn’t happen there, and so on.

To an extent, I was right. There was no more fighting, to the point of breaking things, at least. I had a grandmother there and I didnt’ feel as alone. I could hang out with her dog, I could go on the computer (things I didn’t have at my other house). Basically, I could get away from, and kind of shut out, any parental issues without having to hide behind a dollhouse in the dark and it felt… better.

Now, as I said, my grandfather passed a few years prior, and we were still in the other house. I’m not gonna lie and tell you I saw him directly. No, I saw an orb.

[Photo of Orb found via search engine]

One night, I believe around the time after his funeral, not directly but he had definitely already passed, I woke up and went to the bathroom. When I was heading back out to run next door (to my room), the door of the bathroom was slightly ajar, and I noticed something bright, floating. And when I say floating, I mean it looked taller than me. I looked through the crack of the door and saw a very clear but fuzzy orb of light do a little zig-zag move and then jet into my room. 

Me, being the savvy nine-year-old that I was, grabbed a can of air freshener and decided to cover my nose and spray out in front of me, from the bathroom, through the hall, and into my bedroom. Which took all of about five seconds and I don’t know how my parents didn’t wake up to sounds of their daughter causing some form of (most likely toxic) chemical inhalation to herself, but moving on, when I got into the room, there was nothing there. It was just my room. My lamp on, my tv on, and me standing with a can of glade in a defense stance. 

Now, I’m not saying that was my grandfather. I know a lot of people say there are differences between orbs and spirits, and I believe that to an extent, but again, I’m not claiming that was my grandfather, but I do think, now, that it was some kind of sign. What the sign was, I can’t say, I was too young and too scared at the moment of the event. I do believe, however, that although I was more scared of seeing the orb and that it went into my room, I wasn’t so much afraid of the orb per say. It was just the shock of it all. And the fact that I was nine.

So, in all these years, I have no idea what happened the next day. I was so young, and only certain things stand out. You get it. But I will say that what I’m getting to, is that I believe I’ve had certain gifts since I was a kid.

But as I got older, plus the fear of things, and not having anyone to talk to or anyone who may have gone through similar things, as well as the move and whatnot. I believe I, in a sense, inadvertently blocked my full potential with said fear and having to live in a ‘less than ideal environment’.

Now, I don’t know if I would’ve grown up seeing more orbs or seeing spirits as if they were corporeal, I can’t say that definitively either but what I do know is that I think there was more than what I noticed as a child and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so scared… or that maybe I had just spoken to the orb… as silly as that sounds.

For years after moving, there wasn’t so much ‘chatter’ at night. I still had to sleep with a nightlight which then turned into just the tv and as I mentioned before, I still leave the tv on. 
I know it may sound silly, but I can’t sleep in the dark…or even in complete silence. I need to fall asleep to some sort of sound as well as have some kind of light on that will illuminate the room enough for me not to see anything in the dark. And yes, people can sum this up to my brain playing tricks on me, but I don't think that's the case.

But, as I said, for years after moving, I hadn’t really experienced anything in the physical and I don’t know if it’s just because we were in a “safer” home or because my grandfather was now protecting me from more or whatnot, but things weren't as interruptive. I do remember some nights waking up in the dark but to a point, mostly, what I did experience more were the dreams.

I used to have dreams in the old house too but I notice, now thinking about it, that when I was at my grandparents' house, it seemed to happen more often or maybe I noticed more because I was actually able to sleep. [I'll speak further about my dreams in upcoming posts... it's way too much to add here.]

What we used to call Deja Vu in regard to dreams, now referred to as Deja Reve, would happen more often when I would visit my grandparents' home, but no one really believed me when I told them, “I dreamt about this.”

I feel like that’s also a factor in ‘blocking.’ But anyhow, as I said, I grew older and not as many things would happen.

I went through high school and dealt with regular issues of the adolescent sort but never really noticed how certain abilities formed. 

What I mean is that I may not have seen orbs or things like that in my high school years, but I did start to notice I had a knack for reading people or knowing what would happen before it did. I chalked this up to just really good observational skills and the hypervigilance I mentioned at the beginning. But in growing up, I feel like I truly neglected things that I could’ve, possibly, developed more. 

Don't get me wrong, I used to be very ‘religious’ as well. I had been baptized, communion-ized, confirmed, etc, and at the time I thought God was the only one who knew what was “different” about me. I used to talk to my grandpa the most, asking for help, having conversations, and so on. I had my own experiences of what ‘miracles’ could look like, and I knew without a doubt that there was something bigger than me in the universe. But I also knew it didn’t look exactly like they said in the bible and that there were a bunch of contradictions being given as truth and in my ‘questioning’ I discovered a new way of believing… of having faith. 

I used to tell people “I believe in God, but I don’t believe in the Bible,” and to some extent that is still true. I do believe in a higher source, but I don’t call it “God” and I wouldn’t correlate them with what the Bible and Catholicism has made it out to be. Which I guess is about the same thing, I've just had to deal with religious trauma so I’m probably still fighting against the labels and whatnot.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is that over the years my ‘magic’ and ‘faith’ changed. Not in a bad way, just in a way that I feel like if I were to have had some more help when I was younger, it’d probably save me a lot of hassle now. But! I also chalk that up to, everyone has a path and the whole concept of “you’re where you need to be at this moment in time,” + divine timing, etc. 

So, why am I bringing this up?

If you’ve made it this far, I applaud you and thank you for sticking it out, but back to answering the question.

I’m bringing this up because of where I am now.

Lately, for the past two (?) years, I’ve been building back my understanding of communication with spirits. 

Now, this isn’t to say I’ve only been doing “witchy” things for only two years, because in all honesty, it’s been a lifetime of ‘witchiness’ and for the past nine+ years I’ve been getting back into my spiritual ways and learning more in depth about my witchy interests and the like.
But, for the last two-ish years I’ve become more interested in spirit communication and it has caused me to look back at my childhood and notice things or try to understand things more than just what I remember on the surface.

Within this last year, I also had an experience with a close friend at a place called Centralia, PA {which I will write about in another entry} that really turned on my ‘awareness’ meter and peaked my interest to the point of going down rabbit holes of research in understanding that I am in fact ‘gifted’ and I don’t need to feel this sense of ‘imposter syndrome’ as well as ways to ‘grow my natural ability back’ and/or ‘unblock’ myself. 

In doing this, I’ve hit the point of what I refer to as ‘in between magic.’ This concept of not being at my full potential but also being ‘passed’ the mundane abilities people may be more familiar with.

I’m not talking to spirits like all these mediums you see on tv or online, but I am confident enough to say I can pick up on more things than the “average person.”

I’m at this state of still learning, and I know I always will be. All of us in the spiritual growth community will always be in a state of constant learning, you just can’t know everything. It would be a form of hubris to think you could.

But, as I said, I'm in the ‘in between’ space.

The space where I can receive clear messages, I can even pull your tarot cards (although, I don’t necessarily have to), I can pick up on energy shifts whether from people, places, or things, or see things in my mind's eye that paint a story, as well as pick up on whispers in my mind's eye (or ear, lol) of spirits and situations of the past and get glimpses of what's to come plus sometimes physically feeling things, like my body reacts to what someone suffered through/with. But despite all of these gifts that I'm so grateful for, I know I’m not “perfect.” 
And yes, I know that the goal isn’t to be perfect, but I don’t want to act as if I am at my peak. I know that I still have further to go, in a sense. I know that I can get better at what I do.

Now, as I said, I know I’m not at my peak but that also doesn’t mean I can’t help people where I’m at. It doesn’t mean I’m not receiving the proper guidance to help someone help themselves and it doesn’t mean my gifts are any less real.

It just means I have more work to do and that's okay.

So, what’s the point of all this?

I guess it’s to share my experience with you as well as to try and get you to understand that if you’re like me, and you’re in the ‘in between’ stages of magic, that it’s okay. You don’t have to be discouraged and you don’t have to be scared. Hell, if you want to reach out and discuss your own experiences or even just want someone to talk to about what you’re going through or have gone through, I’m here. And I’ll be here. Because, like I mentioned, I wish I had someone to discuss these things with and to help me understand when I was younger and just starting to experience them.

By sharing my thoughts and part of my story, I feel like it brings us closer as well as gets us steps closer to moving out of the ‘in between’ and onto the path of being able to move freely to each side when needed, in a sense. Without fear or shame or blocks.

So, that’s where I’m at. I know there were a lot of jumps in this, but I hope it made sense enough to follow along. I want you to know that I’m not saying any of this to get praise, or to boost my own ego. I’m really just at a point where I want to share as much of my authentic story as possible and in doing so, I hope to find a community of people that can relate… because I never really had that.

I notice a lot of spiritual people sometimes speak of their families guiding them or grandparents who taught them magic or passed on gifts, etc., but there are some of us that didn’t get that. So, I’m here to help you see that you’re still valid. Heck, I’ll be that family member for you, and we can learn and discover together. But overall, I just want you to know that the ‘in between’ isn’t a bad place to be. We are forever growing and becoming better, and I feel like it’s okay to admit that we may not be where we want to be just yet.

It doesn’t mean we can't get there. "Practice doesn't make perfect, it makes improvement."
So, take what you will from this. This was definitely more of a personal post, but I hope it helped someone. If it helped just one person feel a little more connected to their gifts or to feeling less alone, then I’m happy. 

Let me know your own experiences in the comments and again, please don’t hesitate to reach out to connect. You’re not alone and your experiences are valid.

P.S- I had to add this, but as I was going over this entry and editing, I stopped for a moment to go to the store. When I went downstairs there was a package for me on the counter. I opened it and lo and behold, inside is a book [pictured below] that I've been eyeing. My mother sent it to me as a surprise, lol. But the fact that I got it as I was finishing this entry and what this entry was about, I can't chalk it up to coincidence but instead, "divine timing", lol, and I can't help but feel this kind of, further, 'reassurance' and 'confirmation' that I'm on the right path. So, yay for that (and thank you mom, lol.)

Blessed Be🔮

[Book I received right before finishing this post.]